Finding Serenity

I want to let my feelings out, if sharing it means I will feel less lonely. In my age, what should I be feeling? I never thought that I will experience being brokenhearted. I thought that this only happens to teenagers and those in their 20's. I realized it can happen at any age, to anyone, even to those who feel loved at this moment. I believed that no one can love me more, that no one can do the things that he did. I thought that I made the right decision of marrying him because I meant the whole world to him.  What we have is a sort of a fairy tale love story, against all odds kind of thing.  I thought that we survived those years. He loved me more than I loved him. But I was overwhelmed with the love he showed to me I learned to love him and learned to accept that my feelings are growing more and more. When we started our own family, he was so happy having the kids, they were not accidents, we planned to have kids. What more can we ask for? We are blessed with beautiful daughter and a son. We don;t have a perfect life but we get through naman. We were together facing life's problems like sickness of one our family members, when we experience financial challenges, At the end of the day, we are still a family that clings to the hope of a bright future for us especially for the kids. 

I have a lot of dreams for us, I hoped one day that my family will just be together every night at home after school or after work. Sharing dinner and talking what happened to their day. Then I will put my kids to sleep and I'll go to our room with my husband. I dreamt that we will have a lot of family bondings out of town, spending time to go somewhere we never been. Just making memories . A lot of them. 

One day, I learned that we  have a problem, But I was not that scared, I thought we will get through this again just like any other problems we had. Days passed, I was in denial but it is becoming clearer and clearer. God knows how many times I talked to my husband but he said he made up his mind,... to leave me, to leave us and choose another woman. A lot of questions popped out of my mind. Like how and what's the next step since we are legally married. Financially, we can't afford annulment. What will happen to me? To my kids? So we will remain married but we will have different partners?

Ayoko naman ng ganun. Mamumuhay sa kasalanan. If he wants to leave our relationship, then do it the right way. However, people are just really selfish I guess. I believed that he loves his kids so much but he leaves them for her now. He will die if she leaves her. The same dialogues I myself heard from him a long time ago. Masarap nga siguro pakinggan na may magpapakamatay para sa atin pero is the situation favors us? The difference lang sa amin is wala siyang pamilya nung time na pinaglalaban nya ako. I am still confused. I want to move on. I want to accept that my family is broken. A part of me wants to fight for my kids, nadudurog talaga puso ko seeing my kids. Kung ako lang mas madali siguro. Pero how can I fight if I am the only one fighting? I know in time I will feel at peace. I know in time I will be happy again. And I hope that as I looked back to these days, I will say to myself, how stupid I am to cry for someone who don't deserve it. For now, I am doing these things to make it easier for me. This is just a part of my life where my husband cheated and left us.